hadiah dari Tuhan

i kinda realised this not too long ago

kalau berdoa, aku prefer berdoa in english. kalau tulis diary, i prefer to write in english. aku tak merendah2kan bahasa melayu.

aku suka bahasa melayu. tapi yang sastera. bahasa melayu lama. bahasa melayu sekarang, kalau aku guna macam agak ceroi. macam tak sampai maksud.

bagi aku la. bahasa melayu aku pun tak elok sangat TTvTT

generally, kalau untuk menerangkan sesuatu konsep or untuk feeling bebanyak, aku rasa aku prefer english. tapi kalau cakap sehari2 aku still guna bahasa melayu.

k.
(imma start this ranting with some background story. feel free to close this tab. thank you.)

sooo, some might had already known this. but, anyways...

i was a degree student. and then i quit. not even midway. like midway of 2nd sem of 6 sems. sekarang di kolej Islam di salah satu negeri kat sini.

before aku masuk kolej tu (i was still a degree student masa tu), my mom and i pegi like tengok2 tempat tu. qadarullah, we met the registrar. so, we kinda sembang2 a bit dengan dia. told her my situation mintak opinion. yada yada. she's so nice. she speaks really good english. sounds so understanding. i made up my mind, imma quit uni life and sambung kat kolej tu.

fast forward, a few weeks ago (after about a month and a half aku start belajar kat sini) my mom met the registrar after solat. they were talking bout me. my mom was quite concern sebab i dont seem to get to learn what i wanna learn here (long story). i joined the conversation tho after that.

anyways, i remember one part of the conversation where she said to me (mafhum)

"i prefer using english. lebih sampai maksud."

i was like

'i know, right.' in my heart tho. i mean, someone finally understands me TTvTT

and we talked a bit more. and she ended up giving me this

hadiah dari Tuhan

this is never from anyone else. not the registrar, not the custodian of the two holy mosque, not anyone but Allah

How can you disbelieve in Allah when you were lifeless and He brought you to life; then He will cause you to die, then He will bring you [back] to life, and then to Him you will be returned.

(albaqarah, 2:28) 

p/s: i'll share bout this verse in other post inshallah.

seeker of recognition? (2)

im not sure how far imma go on this path. how deep imma dive. how lost imma stray. i dont know. i honestly dont.

like i bought supplies. tak tau la tu kira membazir or not.

*sighs*

maybe some will say

"buat la kerana Allah. lukisan dakwah. bla... bla..."

aku setuju. yes.

tapi, cant shake this one feeling off. like aku menggunakan niat kerana Allah tu sebab aku nak menyedapkan perasaan aku dalam berbuat apa aku nak buat. apa AKU NAK. okay?

aku paham je kalau orang lain tak paham apa aku cakap ni. mak aku pun kata dia tak paham. lol.

like,
am i doing this because of Allah, or because of me?

tolong doakan aku TT.TT Allahummaghfirli

seeker of recognition?

i dont even know how to start this.

*****

y'know, i've always been amazed by pretty people (like seriyesli cantekkkk. like orang2 cantek yang memang cantek ah.) yang berusaha mencari Allah. it just wows me without failing. i mean, bagi aku, BESAR kot ujian cantik tu. in most cases, mesti kau nak tunjuk kat semua orang muka kau tu. mesti kau nak orang puji. kau nak orang recognise. kau SEEK RECOGNITION (sweeping statement. anyways...)

same goes to orang yang suara sedap tahap kesedapan pizza. yang tarik tinggi macam teh tarik. berat kot ujian macam tu. peh tarik suara sikit, pemes. berat kot ujian tu.

and aku honestly dont categorise myself dalam kalangan tu. kalangan orang berujian besar macam tu. but of late, ada something yang aku baru sedar. aku tak penah sedar benda ni before. tak aku tak perasan cantik. terima kasih.

aku rasa, aku, in one way or another is seeking recognition guna drawings aku.

"peh peh, perasan dia lukis lawa abis lettew."

takde. betul. lukisan aku takde apa pun. tapi, aku rasa macam, aku ni desperate (hamboii perkataan tak boleh bomb lagi ke?) sangat la pulak nakkan worldly recognition tu. macam aku tengah cari something untuk compensate ke-tidak-cantik-macam-retis-an muka aku dan ke-tidak-merdu-macam-buluh-perindu-an suara aku.

*sighs*

seriyes ni. aku rasa macam sama je. aku lukis nak orang puji ngan orang2 lain amik gambar selfie gedik2 nak orang puji. SEEKERS OF WORLDLY RECOGNITION. aku pilih jalan yang mengecikkan diri aku di mata Tuhan untuk nampak besar di mata manusia TT.TT

aku takut sebenarnya. takut terlalu jauh pergi (ini gaya bahasa jenis inversi. terima kasih). takut terlupa nak balik. sebab tu aku tinggal breadcrumbs macam ni tengah2 jalan. moga2 nanti2 aku still tau jalan pulang TT.TT moga aku sedar, yang aku PERLU PULANG.

i'm sorry i rant. this is my blog anyways. doakan aku. please.